Connection Before Correction

Connecting to your child is the most important and influential thing you can do as a parent.  Sometimes it can be hard when we don’t understand their temperament or we don’t have knowledge of children’s development or appropriate expectations for our children.  Parents want a quick fix on how to get a kid to listen, how to get them to sleep, how to get them to pick up their toys…… (the list is endless.)  You will be more successful if you really spend time getting to know your child, listening to them, talking to them, playing with them, reading to them,  and letting them be an active contributor to the family.  The correction will be much easier if you are connected well.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Teach the Difference Between a Want and a Need

The society we live in today has made the difference between wants and needs very blurry.  Everywhere we go today we are bombarded with advertising and messages about products that we should purchase to improve our lives.  Does it really improve our lives?  It can be very confusing for adults so imagine what it is like for a child. Use the words wants and needs in everyday conversation so they gain an understanding of the difference.  No one likes to be around the kid that “wants” everything and “gets” everything.  That is not realistic in life.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Instead of "I'm So Proud", Say "You Can Be So Proud"

Our children can make us feel very proud when they accomplish a new task.  It is reason to compliment and acknowledge.  It is important to not use “I’m so proud” all the time.  Eventually when a child hears that message over and over they come to the understanding that I have to be judged and acknowledged by others.  Others decide how I do.  You want to teach your child to internalize their sense of accomplishments.  Saying, “You should be proud of yourself, you can write your name!” focuses back on the child not on pleasing you.  

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Winnable Wars are Won by Choices Not Demands

Demanding that your child do something does not work very well.  If your child follows through with the demand they usually feel resentful and powerless.  Is that how you want your child to feel?  Offering a choice to your child sends the message that you respect them, love them, and believe in them that they can decide on their own.  It makes your child feel important and competent.  That is the message we want to send!

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

You Have to Name It to Tame It

Big feelings=big emotions.  At times children can get so upset and emotional that they don’t even know exactly what is happening to them.  They may feel out of control.  This happens to children often.  In order for children to be able to gain emotional composure they have to know what the feeling is behind the big emotion.  Once you have identified the feeling then you can get to the calming down piece. 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Involvement=Cooperation

You have to stop at the grocery store and pick up a few items.  You want your 2 year old to just sit in the cart while you quickly grab your groceries.  How will this go?  What if you gave your child the list to hold onto or let your child walk and point to the items that you want and have them get it off the shelf for you or just point to the item and help you find it or engage your child in conversation about the items that you are getting at the grocery store.  “Oh we have to get some apples.  Which apples are your favorite?  What color are all the apples?”  When children are involved in an activity or they have some choices you will see a child cooperate.  If you get them to be an active participant in the task you will gain their cooperation.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Fair Isn't Everyone Getting the Same Thing, Fair is Everyone Getting What They Need to be Succussful

Parents with one child often feel so guilty and torn when they bring home a new baby.  The baby requires lots of attention and has many needs that must be met.  Could you imagine adding up all the time spent caring for a newborn and then trying to give your other child or children that same amount of time so it is fair? 

 

Children have different needs.  One child may need more of your patience, understanding, and attention than another one depending on what is happening in their life. Imagine that you were teaching a group of children how to ride a bike.  Each child received 5 minutes of personal instruction.  Some of the kids got it.  Some of the kids did not but in order to be fair that is all the instruction you will give them. 

 

Does that make any sense?  It is important as parents to not get caught up in making things fair and equal for your children.  Giving kids what they need in order to be successful is the key.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Mistakes and Disappointments are the Big Teachable Moments

How do people learn?  Do we learn by being told or do we learn by doing?  We learn by doing, making our own decisions and living with the consequences of our own decisions.  Sometimes our decisions are good ones and sometimes they are not so good but that is how we know what to do the next time.  We don’t want to “set up” our child for mistakes and disappointments but we can not protect them and shelter them either.  Life is full of teachable moments.  Many of our teachable moments are mistakes and disappointments.

 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Where Did We Ever Get the Crazy Idea.....

WHERE DID WE EVER GET THE CRAZY IDEA THAT IN ORDER FOR CHILDREN TO DO BETTER, WE MUST MAKE THEM FEEL BAD?

Imagine if your boss wanted you to get better at your job.  What would make you improve your skills?  Think about that.  If you had a boss who made you feel bad on a daily basis, you might shut down, start looking for a new job, have no respect for your boss and lose confidence in your self.  We don’t need to make kids feel terrible about themselves.  Choices and consequences that the child goes through are much more powerful.  Children learn from their mistakes.  We don’t need to point them out and exaggerate them to make the child feel worse.  Feeling terrible does not equate to doing better. 

 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

When Kids Emotions are High, That's When They Need You the Most

When children are angry, sad, frustrated or embarrassed lots of times parents will brush off the child’s feelings and emotions.  “Oh you don’t have to get so upset.”  “Your fine.”  “What’s the big deal?”  “Get over it.”  Sometimes we get impatient and irritated and yell back at them with an angry voice.  Children need to learn healthy ways to express emotions.  Some of us are still working on how to control our tempers!  And we are the adults!  Children need help with self regulating and appropriately showing emotions.  They will learn from us.

Mary Bartuske, Parent Educator

"Bad" Behavior Requires a Response, Not Corporal Punishment, But Something

A parent does not have to respond in a mean, angry way for a child to learn.  When we yell, scream, belittle, or hit, the child learns that adults can be mean and abusive.  Parents are role models. Children are watching and learning.  When a child does do something that is bad, a response is necessary but we don’t have to lose it.  The response should be reasonable, related to the bad behavior and respectful.  We don’t have to disrespect kids in order for them to learn good behavior. 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

When Kids Feel Better, They Do Better

When are you at your best?  After a good nights sleep?  After a delicious meal?  After accomplishing an important task on your “to do” list?  When someone compliments you on your hard work, effort, promptness or reliability?  After an evening with friends filled with good conversation and laughter?  Finishing a really good book?  All of these things can make us feel better.  And when we feel better we do better:  we are happier, we are more fun to be around, we get things done, we are more willing to work with and help others, and it is the same for our children.  Make sure you are providing experiences that make your child feel good about themselves.  Positive thoughts and experiences fuel better behavior. We know that when kids feel better they do better.  It makes perfect sense!

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

There is No Mental Picture of Don't

I want you to close your eyes and picture the statement I say, or if you are reading this alone close your eyes after you read it.

“Don’t hit your sister.”

“Don’t climb on the chair.”

“Don’t color on the wall.”

“Don’t wiggle your toes.”

What did you picture in your head?  There is no mental picture of don’t.  You picture the action and doing.  Tell children what they should be doing.

-Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Kids Crave Connection. They Settle for Attention.

Everyone wants to be loved and cared about.  We want people to love us for who we are and understand us.  This is a need that all humans have.  We all want to belong and feel accepted and connected.  Research on gang membership tells us that kids will join gangs for the sense of belonging and connecting that their family life is not giving.  Younger children do not have the capability to seek out gang membership or join another family so younger children learn that if they are not connected they will seek attention.  It does not matter if the attention is positive or negative.  Any attention from a parent is better than no attention at all. 

So connect with your child, don’t just settle for giving them attention.

-Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

It Can Take Kids 6-10 Seconds to Process the Information You Say

Here is a little activity for you to do.  State a request that you often say to your child. 

“Put on your shoes.”  Count to 10 in your head.

“Pick up your cars.”  Count to 10 in your head.

“Hand me that cup.”  Count to 10 in your head.

“Give the doll to your sister.”  Count to 10 in your head.

“Throw that into the garbage.”  Count to 10 in you head.

Wow!  Did it feel like you were waiting a long time?  Well, that is how long it can take a child to hear the words and then process the information.  Slow down and wait!  Give your child time to hear, think, process, and respond.

 

-Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

 

 

If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

Many of us set goals but in order for them to be obtained we must change behavior and do something.  In order for us to make more money we may have to work harder or get another job or learn new skills.  In order for us to lose weight we must eat smaller amounts or change the food we eat or exercise more.  In order for our children to learn to read we must read to them often or have books easily assessable or play word games.  In order for your home to be a happier place you may need to change your attitude or adjust the tone in your voice or focus on positives and praise.  The point is….if nothing changes, nothing changes.  Talking about it is completely different from taking action.  If you don’t like something that is happening in your life in order for it to change YOU must take action and change behavior.

 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Set the Limit Once, Then Follow Through

Parents will complain that their child does not listen to them or does not do the things they are told to do.  Think about this.  You are in the store shopping and your child is whining and begging for an item.  You say “Stop that or we will leave.”  Your child continues and you continue to say “Do you want to leave?  We will leave if you don’t stop it. “The child stops for a little bit and then starts in again and you say it again “We are going to leave.”  You do leave when your shopping trip is complete.  Think about it.  Your child will not listen and do what they are told because you did not do what you said you were going to do.  They don’t have to listen because you don’t follow through on what you said you were going to do.  Children pick this up VERY quickly.  So make sure when you set the limit (rule), you follow through with it. 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Be a Broken Record......

Repeat the Rule, Repeat the Rule, Repeat the Rule

How many times have you been able to learn a new concept or skill by only hearing the instructions one time?  It can be very difficult to remember and get all the information correct by only hearing it once.  Research tells us that the brain will remember information better if it is repeated at least 3 times.  We need to repeat rules over and over for our children.  They need to hear it many times.  There is also a big difference between hearing and doing.  Habits are formed when the same action is completed 30 to 40 times.  So keep that in mind when you have to tell and make sure your child puts the toys away, hangs up their backpack, uses words instead of hitting or any other rule you have in your home.

 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

If You Say It, You Better Mean It

Many times parents will threaten children hoping that the child will do as the parent requested.  Sometimes we say things that are kind of crazy and don’t make much sense or we may promise our children something or say we will do something and then not do it.  You want your children to know that you are reliable and you mean what you say.  When you say something and then you don’t do it your child learns that your words do not mean anything and that you don’t do what you say.  You are unpredictable and you are not to be trusted.  Is that the message you want your child to hear? 

 

So make sure if you say it, you mean it!

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Instead of "No!"

When we are caught off guard our “gut” response many times is “No!”  We then may give in after really thinking about it and realize we could have said “Yes.”  The child learns that a “No” may not really mean “No.”  Listen first and save the “No” for when you really mean it.

Say:

“Tell me more”

“Yes later”

“Give me a minute”

“Tomorrow”

“Maybe”

“We can talk about it later.”

“I need to think about that.”

Have a great day!

-Mary