Connection Before Correction

Connecting to your child is the most important and influential thing you can do as a parent.  Sometimes it can be hard when we don’t understand their temperament or we don’t have knowledge of children’s development or appropriate expectations for our children.  Parents want a quick fix on how to get a kid to listen, how to get them to sleep, how to get them to pick up their toys…… (the list is endless.)  You will be more successful if you really spend time getting to know your child, listening to them, talking to them, playing with them, reading to them,  and letting them be an active contributor to the family.  The correction will be much easier if you are connected well.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Teach the Difference Between a Want and a Need

The society we live in today has made the difference between wants and needs very blurry.  Everywhere we go today we are bombarded with advertising and messages about products that we should purchase to improve our lives.  Does it really improve our lives?  It can be very confusing for adults so imagine what it is like for a child. Use the words wants and needs in everyday conversation so they gain an understanding of the difference.  No one likes to be around the kid that “wants” everything and “gets” everything.  That is not realistic in life.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Instead of "I'm So Proud", Say "You Can Be So Proud"

Our children can make us feel very proud when they accomplish a new task.  It is reason to compliment and acknowledge.  It is important to not use “I’m so proud” all the time.  Eventually when a child hears that message over and over they come to the understanding that I have to be judged and acknowledged by others.  Others decide how I do.  You want to teach your child to internalize their sense of accomplishments.  Saying, “You should be proud of yourself, you can write your name!” focuses back on the child not on pleasing you.  

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Winnable Wars are Won by Choices Not Demands

Demanding that your child do something does not work very well.  If your child follows through with the demand they usually feel resentful and powerless.  Is that how you want your child to feel?  Offering a choice to your child sends the message that you respect them, love them, and believe in them that they can decide on their own.  It makes your child feel important and competent.  That is the message we want to send!

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

You Have to Name It to Tame It

Big feelings=big emotions.  At times children can get so upset and emotional that they don’t even know exactly what is happening to them.  They may feel out of control.  This happens to children often.  In order for children to be able to gain emotional composure they have to know what the feeling is behind the big emotion.  Once you have identified the feeling then you can get to the calming down piece. 

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Involvement=Cooperation

You have to stop at the grocery store and pick up a few items.  You want your 2 year old to just sit in the cart while you quickly grab your groceries.  How will this go?  What if you gave your child the list to hold onto or let your child walk and point to the items that you want and have them get it off the shelf for you or just point to the item and help you find it or engage your child in conversation about the items that you are getting at the grocery store.  “Oh we have to get some apples.  Which apples are your favorite?  What color are all the apples?”  When children are involved in an activity or they have some choices you will see a child cooperate.  If you get them to be an active participant in the task you will gain their cooperation.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator

Fair Isn't Everyone Getting the Same Thing, Fair is Everyone Getting What They Need to be Succussful

Parents with one child often feel so guilty and torn when they bring home a new baby.  The baby requires lots of attention and has many needs that must be met.  Could you imagine adding up all the time spent caring for a newborn and then trying to give your other child or children that same amount of time so it is fair? 

 

Children have different needs.  One child may need more of your patience, understanding, and attention than another one depending on what is happening in their life. Imagine that you were teaching a group of children how to ride a bike.  Each child received 5 minutes of personal instruction.  Some of the kids got it.  Some of the kids did not but in order to be fair that is all the instruction you will give them. 

 

Does that make any sense?  It is important as parents to not get caught up in making things fair and equal for your children.  Giving kids what they need in order to be successful is the key.

Mary Bartusek, Parent Educator